Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard for Moms

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard for Moms

(And Why You’re Not Bad at Boundaries)

You finally say no…
And then your mean girl voices turn up the volume and go into overdrive:

What if they get mad?
What if they hate me?
What if I just ruined everything?

If you’ve ever Googled “why setting boundaries feels so damn icky” while lying in bed, exhausted and spiralling, welcome. You’re in the right place. (Because, honestly, who hasn't) 

Most moms struggle with boundary setting, not because they don’t know what to say, but because saying it feels terrifying. The guilt. The fear. The emotional hangover afterward....ew. 

And none of that means you’re bad at boundaries.

It means you’re human, and living inside motherhood as it exists today.

Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard for Moms

Let’s start with your beautiful brain.

You are hard-wired for connection and safety. Thousands of years ago (think cave-dwelling beings), being rejected by your community didn’t just hurt your feelings; it meant real danger. No cave? No protection? You were basically a tasty lunch for a sabre-tooth tiger.

Fast-forward to modern motherhood, and your brain hasn’t fully updated the software.

To your nervous system:

• Setting a boundary = risking rejection

• Rejection = danger

• Danger = 🚨 panic 🚨

Of course, setting boundaries as a mom feels hard! And extra hard if you’re:

• A recovering people-pleaser

• The default parent

• Carrying the mental load of motherhood

• Navigating a patriarchal culture that rewards self-sacrifice

You’re not broken. You’re responding exactly as you were conditioned to.

Why Moms Feel So Guilty Saying No

Here’s the part no one tells you:
Mom guilt and boundaries are deeply connected.

Moms are taught (explicitly and implicitly) that:

• Good moms are accommodating

• Loving moms put themselves last

• Strong moms don’t make things “hard” for others

• Blah, blah, blah-ditty blah 

So when you say no, your brain interprets it as:

I’m being selfish.
I’m letting someone down.
I’m doing something wrong.

But guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
It usually means you’re doing something new, and outside the safety of your comfy little zone.

The Real Reason People React When You Set a Boundary.... let's spill some much-needed tea.

It’s not just your brain that freaks out. Other people’s brains do too, because guess what?!? They are human as well!

When you’ve been the “yes” person for years, boundaries change the rules, and not everyone loves that plot twist.

Here’s why people sometimes react badly when moms set boundaries:

1. Loss of convenience

Your yes has been making life easier for others. Your no means adjustment, and humans don’t love that.

2. Change feels threatening

Even healthy change can feel uncomfortable. If you’ve always picked up the slack, saying no shakes the system.

3. It’s about their expectations, not your worth

Their reaction says nothing about your value and everything about what they assumed you’d keep doing.

If someone gets upset when you set a boundary, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
It means you’re no longer abandoning yourself to keep the peace. And heck yes to that! 

(And yes, I have a whole podcast episode on other people’s opinions for this exact reason.)

A Real-Life Mom Boundary Example

I still remember the first time someone commented on my daughter’s body in front of me.

My brain immediately panicked:
If I say something, they’ll think I’m overreacting.
Don’t make waves.
Just let it go.
And my favourite: Don't be THAT mom

Instead, I took a breath and spoke up.

Was it awkward? Yep.
Did my hands get sweaty? Absolutely.
Knees weak, arms heavy? 
(There was no mom's spaghetti if you're keeping up with me, Eminem reference)
Did the world end? Nope.

Everyone moved on. (And if the other person had feelings about it, well, those are theirs to process.)

That moment taught me something powerful:
The fear of setting boundaries is usually way bigger than the fallout.

And protecting your kid — and your own peace — is always worth a little discomfort.

3 Boundary Reframes for Moms Who Want to Say No Without Guilt

If you’re learning how to set boundaries without feeling selfish, start here.

1. Their feelings are not my responsibility — I am

You can care about someone without carrying their emotional baggage. Disappointment doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

2. No isn’t mean, it’s protective

Healthy boundaries don’t ruin relationships, but they build strong ones.  They prevent resentment and burnout.

3. A moment of awkward beats a lifetime of resentment

Or as Brene Brown puts it: Choose discomfort over resentment. 
Yes, saying no might feel uncomfortable for five minutes.
But always saying yes leads to exhaustion, bitterness, and overwhelm for years, and years, and years.

Step into that temporary discomfort! You are worth it. 

Ready to Set Boundaries as a Mom — Without Spiralling?

If you want ready-to-use boundary scripts for moms, grab your free copy of:

SAY THIS: A Mom’s Guide to Setting Boundaries

Inside, you’ll learn how to:

• Say no without guilt

• Set boundaries with family, kids, and partners

• Protect your time, energy, and mental health

• Stop people-pleasing without becoming “the bad guy.”

SAY THIS gives you the words before you need them — so you’re not relying on willpower, confidence, or having a “strong boundary moment” when you’re already exhausted.

Because the next boundary moment isn’t hypothetical.
It’s coming — at Sunday family dinner, at school drop-off, in a text thread with the class moms, or even in your own head.

And you deserve to be ready for it. 💥

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