Why Positive Thinking Sucks (and the One Mindset Shift That Actually Helps Moms Feel Good)

2026/01/21

Why Positive Thinking Sucks (and the One Mindset Shift That Actually Helps Moms Feel Good)

If you’ve ever found yourself Googling “how do I feel good as a mom” while hiding in the bathroom or sitting in the school pickup line… hi. You’re in the right place.

Because if one more reel tells you to “just think positive” or “smile your way through motherhood,” I might personally block the entire internet.

I’m not here to sell you fake joy, forced gratitude, or Pinterest-level optimism. I’m here to tell you why positive thinking actually makes a lot of moms feel worse, and the one mindset shift that genuinely helps you feel lighter, calmer, and more like yourself again.

Let’s get into it.

The Pickup Line That Broke Me (and the Hashtag That Had to Go)

I was standing outside the school at pickup, waiting for the bell, watching kids burst out screaming "FREEDOM', when I made the mistake of scrolling through Instagram.

Reel after reel.

#mindset #positivevibesonly #justsmile

And I swear, if smiling fixed unpaid labour, sleep deprivation, mental load, and being the default parent… I’d be recording this from my private beach in Bali. We’d all be at summer camp there.

Instead, I was standing in a parking lot thinking:

Wait… this advice feels really toxic!

Why Positive Thinking Sucks (Especially for Moms)

I see this all the time in my coaching practice. And while there are a million reasons toxic positivity doesn’t work, these are the big three that matter most for moms.

1. Smiling Doesn’t Fix Systemic Crap

Let’s say this clearly:

You are not burned out because your mindset is broken.

You’re burned out because we live in a system that:

  • Pays moms less (even when we work the same hours)
  • Assumes women will absorb unpaid labour
  • Penalizes motherhood and rewards fatherhood
  • Dismisses women’s health concerns as “stress” or “hormones.”

Fun (read: enraging) facts:

  • Moms earn 70–75 cents for every dollar a childless woman earns.
    • (I have personally been asked in over 7 job interviews, "When are you planning to start a family.' Which is illegal in Canada. 
  • Dads’ wages barely change after kids.
    • (My partner has never had family planning be a question in his employment.) 
  • Moms do 2–3 extra hours per day of unpaid labour.
  • Women (especially mothers) are more likely to be medically dismissed.
    • I lived with undiagnosed hypothyroidism for over a year because I was told, “You’re just tired. You’re a new mom.”

Positive thoughts didn’t fix that.

Advocacy did.

So no, scrolling past a quote that says “positive vibes only" doesn’t undo centuries of sexism. And pretending it should only make you blame yourself for systemic problems.

2. Emotions Are Not Optional (and Bypassing Them Backfires)

When we tell moms to “just think positive,” what we’re really saying is:“Your anger, exhaustion, grief, and frustration are inconvenient.”

That’s emotional bypassing.

And it’s a fast track to burnout.

I see this a lot with body image work, too. You’ve probably heard advice like: "Stand naked in front of the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful until you believe it."

For many women, that doesn’t heal anything; it suppresses what’s actually there.

And suppressed emotions don’t disappear. They turn into:

  • Chronic stress
  • Elevated cortisol
  • Anxiety
  • Explosive rage over spilled juice

In my work, we don’t slap a smiley Band-Aid on top of hard feelings.

We:

  • Name the emotion
  • Feel it
  • Understand where it came from
  • Work through it

Because all emotions are allowed. Even anger.

Yes, even mom anger.

Despite what gentle-parenting culture might imply, you’re still human.

One tool I love for this is the Hoffman Wheel of Emotions, especially if you struggle to even name what you’re feeling. Emotional literacy is a skill, not a personality trait.

Feeling frustrated when your partner forgets to pick up your favourite snacks for movie night isn’t failing at mindfulness.

It’s being a person.

3. “Positive Vibes Only” Creates More Guilt (Just what we all need.)

This one is sneaky.

When happiness is the goal, anything else feels like failure.

So you end up feeling guilty for:

  • Being tired
  • Being annoyed
  • Wanting space
  • Not enjoying every moment

You can’t mindset your way out of exhaustion.

And when moms believe they should be happy all the time, they start policing themselves instead of questioning the system.

That’s how we become our own oppressors.

The Mindset Shift That Actually Helps Moms Feel Good Again

The alternative to toxic positivity isn’t misery.

It’s the Good Enough Shift.

What Is the “Good Enough” Shift?

The Good Enough Shift is rooted in cognitive behavioural science.

Instead of asking: “How do I do this perfectly?”

You ask: “What is my actual job here?”

It helps you:

  • Interrupt perfectionism
  • Reduce guilt
  • Conserve energy
  • Feel relief without pretending everything is fine

Let’s make this painfully real.

Example 1: Laundry (aka the Moral Failing Pile)

Old thought: “I should have this folded and put away this laundry that is taking over my kitchen table, and now we don't have space for dinner. Not eating at the table makes me a bad mom.”

Feeling:

  • Guilt
  • Frustration

Action:

  • Avoid it
  • Or angrily fold while resenting everyone who owns clothes

Good Enough Reframe: “My job is clean clothes. Not folded clothes.”

Result:

  • Relief
  • Acceptance
  • Pants are tossed into drawers, and dinner is eaten picnic style on the living room floor.
  • Life moves on

Example 2: Dinner

Old thought: “I should be making a balanced, organic, home-cooked meal every single day.”

Feeling:

  • Stress
  • Overwhelm

Action:

  • Snap at kids
  • Order takeout
  • Feel guilty anyway

Good Enough Reframe: “My job is nutrients, not gourmet.”

Chicken nuggets ✔️ Veggies ✔️ Mental breakdown ❌

Example 3: Screen Time

Old thought: “I should be engaging them in enriching, screen-free activities.”

Feeling:

  • Shame
  • Inadequacy

Action:

  • Force a craft no one wants
  • Everyone melts down

Good Enough Reframe: “My job is balance, not elimination.”

Kid watches a show. You drink your coffee hot. No guilt spiral required.

Why This Actually Makes You Happier

Good enough doesn’t deny reality.

It stops you from internalizing blame for things that were never meant to be carried alone.

Over time:

  • You feel lighter
  • You trust yourself more
  • You stop shrinking
  • You stop performing happiness

And ironically?

That’s when joy shows up.

Not forced. Not performative.

Real.

How to Start Using the Good Enough Shift Today

  1. Notice the “should.”
  2. Ask: Is this helping—or guilting me?
  3. Name how it makes you feel.
  4. Decide what’s good enough for this moment.
  5. Let that be enough.

Celebrate it, quietly or loudly. That’s how your brain rewires so you start to feel good.

A Real Mom, Real Life Example

A mom inside The Den once texted me:

“My good enough today was going outside. I barely did anything else except eat, play, and survive. Sleep has been awful. My brain kept saying I should be doing more, but I listened to my body instead. Chillax, brain. We good.”

That’s it.

That’s the shift.

She rested. She played. She felt human.

And that’s why positive thinking sucks.

Because good enough lets you actually live.

If You’re Done Pretending and Ready to Feel Better

This is the exact work we do inside The Den.

Real-time support. Real-life situations. No forced smiles.

And if you join before February 2, you get a VIP Voxer Day with me—live coaching as you move through your actual day.

Motherhood is messy. You’re allowed to exist fully inside it.

And remember:

Good enough is more than enough.